I don’t know how my friend Dave is doing…I can only surmise that things are slow going and hopefully slow-growing. I have done so much research to learn about the kinds of brain tumors people can get. Astrocytoma, meningioma, mixed glioma, oligodendrogliomas. I have decided that Dave has the oli type. Only from hearing where he was operated on…and that he has none of the typical symptoms of the other tumors. I don’t really know, just using deductive reasoning.

Fifteen years ago a friend’s Mom was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma. Back then, therapies were different. Mrs. K had surgery and chemo. They graded it a four. (BAD) Mrs. K had the best attitude about it. She was willing herself to live to see her twin grandsons make it into the world. She did it. And those boys were about a month or so old and that was the end. She knew they were okay, her kids were okay and then she let go.

My thoughts have not strayed very far from Dave or his family. I check in with my Mom and hear nothing new. And if they feel helpless, how can I describe what I am feeling? It’s definitely unsettling to know that I am looking into a mirror, in essence. He is my age, we have kept ourselves fit, and reached many of the goals we set for ourselves as kids. Is there something to pin it to? Probably not. Did he ignore symptoms? Maybe. Hindsight is always 20/20...hate it!

Dave was the light, the reason and the calm in my angst-filled teen-aged relationship with my mother. There was a time that I thought his friendship was the love relationship I wanted. Told him that and hoo-boy, we had a great chat where he leveled the playing field and said we were much better friends than we would ever be at something else. I knew it was true and so the story goes. When I decided that the Army would be a good starting place for me, he wholeheartedly supported me, and we wrote letters back and forth. He was always telling me to “be a good girl, little one” and to work hard. (I wonder if he tells that to his little girl who is now 16?) He worked harder than anybody I knew. I told him and my best friend that I was leaving for the Army without anyone else knowing because I needed to do it all on my own. He understood and never chastised me for thinking that way. I relied on his level head to get me through some tough times as a “grown-up” though I was only 19, 20. He kept in touch while in college for awhile…and then I guess I got very busy and so did he. We got back in touch when we had our first babies. His wife, Lisa had written me, and we attempted to be pen-pals.

More of life…We moved as much as if we had stayed in the military. And, even though I lost touch with Dave, I never celebrated my birthday without thinking of him…honest injun! He is five days older than I am. I am sorry now, that my Keep in touch (KIT) abilities were lacking. I stayed up to date via military stuff because of friends…But I had long figured that Dave would have retired from the Guard since he joined at 17. And, now he has cancer and I do not. He is a combat veteran and I am an “era” veteran.

I ask myself why, then why not? I say what would I do in his shoes?

Well, I would say, a plan is in order. And, absolutely zero time for sympathy. (anybody know the song “Sympathy for the Devil?) Sympathy is a crutch in Nee’s book. It never gets me anywhere. Now, buck up, I say! Get over yourself!! I get over it, a lot!!

There is an upside somewhere and it isn’t up your asss!!! And through my reading, the upside is that living a decent life with cancer is possible. The rates of survival extend well beyond the dreaded “months to live mantra“ especially in brain cancer. And that is my hope for Dave. I am also afraid that he will give up. Because for his whole life, things have been according to his plan…he even came back from Iraq with all his soldiers. And, then his whole world was blown apart. It was absolutely out of his control. Is he going to let it get him, or will he dig deep to figure out that he does have all of it to control- now that he knows? If there are physical side effects will he think that it must be easier to overcome than the guys not in his unit, who have had themselves shredded by IEDs? People he is sure to have seen at some point…Will he say to himself that he is still ‘all there’ and his fight is not much bigger than his guys who have less to fight with, mentally and figuratively? Because as far as I know, Dave has both legs, arms, eyes, his mind. The sense of loss may be the same…because he has lost. But I myself would say to me that what I have lost is nothing, YET. I know this.

I know it is going to be hard. But I know I would not let the disease control me. Adversity is something to rise above and it has always made me work harder, I think. SIGH, a really huge one. I am afraid his mother is also giving up and thinking he won’t be here at Christmas! I want to scream NO!!! Please don’t go there! Dave wants to see his baby graduate from college, celebrate his 20 something anniversary…I don’t want him thinking he’ll not walk her down the isle, or see the first Grandbaby. NO,NO, NO!!! He will because he is a fighter, a planner, a winner. You can live a wonderful life, even with cancer, and treatments…you can! Will it get tiresome, to be reminded when cat scans and MRI’s are a monthly occurrence? Yep. But the benefit will be knowing that you have done all you can do in the silent awakening toward a shorter end…Right? Yes, I am trying to convince myself as well.

But what in return?

The knowledge that there is no time for all the bullshitt stuff that we let get in the way of moving forward and being our best selves. No time to take anything for granted, none.

“Live every moment, love every day, because before you know it…“ (That would be REO Speedwagon…) If I have learned anything in this life, it is never, ever give up until there’s nothing left to give. As long as I have something to give, I can and I will. (Not saying that I have never had a pity party for myself, ahem!) It’s just me, Nee, keeping the faith…It is sometimes what I do best.